I would be so good for you.

I understand you. I love you unconditionally, I am hopelessly devoted to you. I don’t give up on you. I encourage you to demand better from your life and from yourself. I challenge you. I give you space. I hold my arms open for you and will never refuse you the love you need. I know your sins – the ones you don’t even know I know, that break my heart – and I would still drown you in kisses if you would only let me.

You are so lost right now. You’re with this other person that you are hopelessly devoted to. That you spend every ounce of energy on in hopes of making her happy. You sacrifice your happiness, you let your needs go unmet, you let her treat you horribly; so that she might be happy and that nothing bad will happen to her and so that the relationship continues on as it is. She gives nothing, and she is almost never happy, and she doesn’t see the good or possibility in anything. And you’re not doing her any favours. She wants to be better but doesn’t know how. You know how but won’t challenge her or do anything that might make her uncomfortable; even if it would be good for her in the long run.

But you would not be good for me. You have a track record of taking me for granted. Of letting me give and give, and giving nothing in return, or leaving scraps that I have accepted and given more meaning to than I should have. I know that there’s a part of you that loves me, or atleast knows that you could and that it would be good. But the reasons you’re with her are the same reasons that you’re not with me. You owe the world something for your sins, for the things you have done, and someone loving you wholeheartedly and taking care of you would not give you enough opportunity to keep paying. I wish that you could accept the grace that’s offered. Maybe someday you will. I wonder if there will ever be a time that I won’t wish you were mine. I want to cast this off, to be open and able to give my heart to someone who wants it. I just want so badly for that to be you.

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2 thoughts on “I would be so good for you.

  1. I feel the pain in this… the urge to let go but being unable to move on…

    BMB once told me that sometimes it’s about making the other person happy and hoping that your own happiness will one day catch up. I never quite understood this…

    On a separate yet somewhat related note – army boy was in the same yoga class as me last night. I realized I didn’t care and that if he’d asked me to hang out after class I probably would have said no. I don’t want him. I wanted the idea of him but I knew deep down that I deserved better than he could ever give me. Realize that too… life it too short to make it complicated and there are awesome cute boys out there that things will be simple with. You’ll say what you want, when you want and they’ll call you babe, agree when you tell them you’re awesome and say all kinds of wonderful things in those moments you can’t be together. Trust in that. And if this is all just made up then keep these words for the next jerk of a boy who comes along who doesn’t see just how awesome you are.

  2. Not all just made up.

    So hilarious what bmb said. Of course he’d say that. Romanticize and justify being a douchebag much? Geez.

    The guy this about… Hard to think of him in those terms. One of the rare ones that it feels right to call him a man. Just not your typical asshole. A real honest to goodness haunted soul.

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